Passive Aggressive Letters From Camp
Dear Mom and Dad,
Camp Moneybucks is very fun this year. I’m so glad you bit the bullet and paid the extra $900 so I could do the adventure hikes, which included bungee jumping off Teddy Roosevelt’s nose on Mount Rushmore and water skiing down the Snake River rapids on footwear we made out of redwoods we cut down in our logging class. (By the way, I don’t care what any lawyer says, that thing with the buzz saw was not my fault, but don’t worry, the doctor said I should regain up to 75% use of my finger once the bone has fused and the stitches come out. For now we may want to rethink that piano recital in May.)
This has been the best spring vacation. I’ve met a lot of interesting friends here at camp. My favorite is a kid named Edgar. He’s an awesome athlete and all the kids pick him first for their teams — probably because he’s so big for his age. I think this has something to do with the fact that he repeated the fourth grade three times. Edgar is cool because he wears a gold chain that connects the rings in his pierced eyebrow to the rings in his pierced cheek. Also when you see him naked in the boys locker room, it looks like he’s still dressed because he has so many tattoos. (By the way, what’s a Blood and a Crip?) Edgar seems pretty tough, so I still don’t understand why he likes to wear high heels. He told me to meet him in the woods tonight and he’d explain the whole thing. I’ll let you know how that goes.
The camp counselors here are very nice too. Lots of them are students from a college called San Quentin, although I think they started college late because some of them look kind of old. My friend Jimmy said you can even get on the internet and see if they live in your neighborhood. I tried that and found out that several of them live right around my school. Maybe we can have them over for dinner sometime.
My favorite thing to do at camp is crafts class. Last week we learned how to macramé a fishing net. Joey the Nutcracker showed us how you can also use the net to create a bear trap, but since there weren’t any bears around, we set the trap right outside the camp administration building. Mr. Swanson’s leg will be fine once the cast comes off, but it doesn’t matter anyway, because he can’t get up until his neck heals. Then he can have his back surgery and start to learn to walk again. So it’s all good. By the way, Joey the Nutcracker is still missing. I hope he’s okay.
Thanks for sending me to such a great place. Even though I didn’t originally want to be here, I have to say this camp has opened my eyes to experiences I may have never known had I not come. My only regret is that you’re not here to experience them with me. Maybe next year you’ll listen to me and we can all GO ON THE DISNEY CRUISE I BEGGED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Your loving child, Derrick
P.S. Do you think I should be a creative writer when I grow up?
